Since my last blog on relationships was fairly well received, I have decided to push my luck and write another blurb on the great dilemma which South Asian youth face, usually sometime in their twenties. That being the conundrum of marriage... and more specifically, what TYPE of marriage?
To my non desi readers, let me explain... to most of the world, there is only one type of marriage... where a boy and girl meet, fall in love, and get married. Simple, right? Well, Indians like to complicate things. This usual type of marriage throughout the rest of the world is classified in India as a 'Love' marriage. However, the more predominant way of getting hooked up in India is still via a process known as the 'Arranged' marriage.
Yes, this is the truth. Indians believe love should have nothing to do with a marriage. After all, most couples end up hating each other after a few years anyway, so why bother with love in the first place? It is just more efficient that way. :-D
Okay, so maybe I made that last paragraph up. But essentially, the belief is that love is something which develops over the course of a marriage, and therefore, it is more important that the two people should have a compatible lifestyle, family, and culture, and if these things exist, then love will develop soon after. And of course, whom better to decide who you should eventually fall in love with than your parents? :-S
Welcome to the concept of the 'Arranged Marriage'. At this point, some readers may be getting freaked out. But thankfully, the process has modernized quite a bit, and it is not as bad as it seems. Things have progressed, from where the bride and groom to be were not allowed to even see each other until the wedding itself, to the point where now, generally, they meet, date for a few weeks, get to know each other, before agreeing to the union. Other criteria such as caste, and societal status are slowly diminishing in importance. It is not really so much arranged marriage now as it is arranged dating. Only that usually your parents choose who it is they feel would be best for you to date. The internet has helped. Whereas before match making would be limited to alliances brought forth from within a certain geographic area, and generally by family and friends, now the entire world is at your fingertips. This is probably a good thing, as in my opinion, it would be kind of weird to be asked to date someone whom you knew as a childhood friend.
So which is the better option? Undoubtedly there are advantages and drawbacks to both sides. Proponents of the Love Marriage will say that couples may not get to know each other well enough before the marriage, and the person you agree to could be totally different from the person you thought you were marrying. Proponents of the Arranged Marriage will argue that couples can mislead each other even if they have found each other on their own anyway, so what is the difference? (See the ABCD Theory for more info) Proponents of the Arranged Marriage will argue that there is less stress via this method as they don't have to worry about any searching, but proponents of the Love Marriage will point out how stressful it must be to be spending the rest of your life with someone whom you don't even know that well? Love Marriage supporters would probably classify Arranged Marriages as dull, dreary, archaic and oppressive, while Arranged Marriage supporters would probably point out that statistically the proportion of Arranged Marriages tend to be more successful. We can continue the debate and go on, and on, and on...
Ultimately, to me, I think it is a question of maturity, and those who have accepted reality, and those who haven't. Reality is not perfect, and therefore, it is unrealistic to go around searching for the illusion of perfection while ignoring the fact that you are not perfect yourself. If you are mature enough to understand this then I think EITHER option will work. Some people realise this on their own, others come to a dead end and realise this after repeated failures, and there are those who still have not come to accept this.
In my opinion, the idea of the 'spark' is complete nonsense. True compatibility is something which is beyond an instantaneous attraction. The 'spark' is nothing but lust (ABCD Theory again), and I don't think that is something on which a happy marriage can be based upon. Usually the 'spark' is something you WANT to believe in just to tell yourself that you are involved in some sort of a fairytale relationship. In fact, I believe that things such as lifestyle, family, and culture are ultimately more important to a successful union. Believing that love will sustain you through everything is unrealistic. That initial heat and mindless infatuation is bound to die down eventually. Down the road if your partner is not financially secure, or you have married into a family which doesn't understand or accept your customs you will most likely end up regretting your choice.
Although it may sound that I am in favor of the Arranged Marriage system, this is not the case at all. I really think that if a person is mature enough to realise what true compatibility is, and that their partner, and circumstances are never going to be perfect, then they can surely find that person on their own, without the help of their parents and family. Certainly for every happy, successful arranged marriage, there are couples which were poorly matched, and are staying together just for the sake of it. Ultimately, an individual can understand his or her self the best, and if they can find a compatible partner on their own, and select him or her based on the values are important to them and will keep them happy in the long term, without getting carried away about how they may feel in the short term, then there is a good chance for success and THAT is probably the best route to marital happiness.
Phew... this was a long one. Once again, my usual disclaimer. No offense intended towards those who are single, divorced, in arranged marriages, love marriages, dating, hating, asexual or bisexual. Your feedback is gladly appreciated, and would be welcomed. And to those of you who are facing 'The Great Indian Conundrum'... good luck to you!
To my non desi readers, let me explain... to most of the world, there is only one type of marriage... where a boy and girl meet, fall in love, and get married. Simple, right? Well, Indians like to complicate things. This usual type of marriage throughout the rest of the world is classified in India as a 'Love' marriage. However, the more predominant way of getting hooked up in India is still via a process known as the 'Arranged' marriage.
Yes, this is the truth. Indians believe love should have nothing to do with a marriage. After all, most couples end up hating each other after a few years anyway, so why bother with love in the first place? It is just more efficient that way. :-D
Okay, so maybe I made that last paragraph up. But essentially, the belief is that love is something which develops over the course of a marriage, and therefore, it is more important that the two people should have a compatible lifestyle, family, and culture, and if these things exist, then love will develop soon after. And of course, whom better to decide who you should eventually fall in love with than your parents? :-S
Welcome to the concept of the 'Arranged Marriage'. At this point, some readers may be getting freaked out. But thankfully, the process has modernized quite a bit, and it is not as bad as it seems. Things have progressed, from where the bride and groom to be were not allowed to even see each other until the wedding itself, to the point where now, generally, they meet, date for a few weeks, get to know each other, before agreeing to the union. Other criteria such as caste, and societal status are slowly diminishing in importance. It is not really so much arranged marriage now as it is arranged dating. Only that usually your parents choose who it is they feel would be best for you to date. The internet has helped. Whereas before match making would be limited to alliances brought forth from within a certain geographic area, and generally by family and friends, now the entire world is at your fingertips. This is probably a good thing, as in my opinion, it would be kind of weird to be asked to date someone whom you knew as a childhood friend.
So which is the better option? Undoubtedly there are advantages and drawbacks to both sides. Proponents of the Love Marriage will say that couples may not get to know each other well enough before the marriage, and the person you agree to could be totally different from the person you thought you were marrying. Proponents of the Arranged Marriage will argue that couples can mislead each other even if they have found each other on their own anyway, so what is the difference? (See the ABCD Theory for more info) Proponents of the Arranged Marriage will argue that there is less stress via this method as they don't have to worry about any searching, but proponents of the Love Marriage will point out how stressful it must be to be spending the rest of your life with someone whom you don't even know that well? Love Marriage supporters would probably classify Arranged Marriages as dull, dreary, archaic and oppressive, while Arranged Marriage supporters would probably point out that statistically the proportion of Arranged Marriages tend to be more successful. We can continue the debate and go on, and on, and on...
Ultimately, to me, I think it is a question of maturity, and those who have accepted reality, and those who haven't. Reality is not perfect, and therefore, it is unrealistic to go around searching for the illusion of perfection while ignoring the fact that you are not perfect yourself. If you are mature enough to understand this then I think EITHER option will work. Some people realise this on their own, others come to a dead end and realise this after repeated failures, and there are those who still have not come to accept this.
In my opinion, the idea of the 'spark' is complete nonsense. True compatibility is something which is beyond an instantaneous attraction. The 'spark' is nothing but lust (ABCD Theory again), and I don't think that is something on which a happy marriage can be based upon. Usually the 'spark' is something you WANT to believe in just to tell yourself that you are involved in some sort of a fairytale relationship. In fact, I believe that things such as lifestyle, family, and culture are ultimately more important to a successful union. Believing that love will sustain you through everything is unrealistic. That initial heat and mindless infatuation is bound to die down eventually. Down the road if your partner is not financially secure, or you have married into a family which doesn't understand or accept your customs you will most likely end up regretting your choice.
Although it may sound that I am in favor of the Arranged Marriage system, this is not the case at all. I really think that if a person is mature enough to realise what true compatibility is, and that their partner, and circumstances are never going to be perfect, then they can surely find that person on their own, without the help of their parents and family. Certainly for every happy, successful arranged marriage, there are couples which were poorly matched, and are staying together just for the sake of it. Ultimately, an individual can understand his or her self the best, and if they can find a compatible partner on their own, and select him or her based on the values are important to them and will keep them happy in the long term, without getting carried away about how they may feel in the short term, then there is a good chance for success and THAT is probably the best route to marital happiness.
Phew... this was a long one. Once again, my usual disclaimer. No offense intended towards those who are single, divorced, in arranged marriages, love marriages, dating, hating, asexual or bisexual. Your feedback is gladly appreciated, and would be welcomed. And to those of you who are facing 'The Great Indian Conundrum'... good luck to you!
ha-ha. It is a great write-up from someone who isn't married yet! (that I know of!?) :)
ReplyDeleteI am amazed at your maturity that finding perfection is hard because we are not perfect ourselves. Basically I think marriages are four types with a combination of this realization between couples. And the last kind (with both thinking they can do better) is the worst one until the break up. (It is excruciating to watch by itself and gets worse with kids involved)
I don't always subscribe to 'Arranged Marriage' system (even though it accidentally worked well for me). It depends on the maturity of the parents and elders. I have seen many marriages being arranged by my grand parents. They were excellent 'character' readers. But that's not always the case.
I have even less trust in 'Love Marriages' because the character reading skills and the long-term planning skills are hard to come by without experiencing the life. May be this generation's 20 somethings are super-mature. But, "the more the things change the more they remain the same."
Overall, I tend to think life-partner and children are like random room-mate assignment. No matter what we think, it is entirely our luck if we get along easily or having to change ourselves profoundly to achieve that.
Let me stop before I expound on other things in life and relationships. I should get my own blog, perhaps.
1) I really think you should start your own blog.
ReplyDelete2) Not married! But you will surely be invited when it happens! :D
Wow..you have a clearer vision of marriage, than I have, even after 2 years of marriage..haha..loved your ABCD theory..too good and almost perfect! I completely agree with you about that "spark" thing. It makes no sense in the real world, but I feel that girls are more inclined believe in this.
ReplyDeleteThanks! :)
ReplyDeleteNot so sure of the clear vision... no girls seem to feel the same way yet! ;)